Elder Holland's actual, bona fide first tweet.

Elder Holland’s actual, bona fide first tweet. (screen shot)

On Tuesday the LDS Church Public Affairs office confirmed that Mormon apostle M. Russell Ballard is on Twitter (@M_RBallard)—and that “other church leaders” would “also be using Twitter in the near future.”

Well, the near future turned out to be very near indeed, because this morning LDS Living is reporting that 14 of the top 15 leaders of the LDS Church are now tweeting (as themselves, and not via the official @LDSChurch account).

We are left to wonder what they will tweet, however. Just for fun, here’s an affectionate and purely hypothetical series of their imagined apostolic tweets.**

 

@ThomasSMonsonRemembertheS: It is our duty to care for the poor among us. That reminds me of widows. Have I ever mentioned widows before?

@HenryBEyringNerd: Science & religion aren’t in conflict. So check out my new iPhone, folks! Now taking a selfie with the 12 at #ldsgenconf.

@TheRealDieter: God is love. You are loved. Be happy and grateful! Also, now is the time on Sprockets when we dance.

@BoydKGrizzlyBear: There is an unwritten order to Twitter. Followers, obey tweets without question. And make memes of my bird pictures.

@LTomPerry91: Hi, I’m the oldest apostle. This Twitter thing is swell. How bout those Red Sox? Wait, what do you mean I’m out of characters?

@DrRussellMNelson: The BOM is a gift from God to all humankind. If you don’t start reading it, I’ll get you with my scalpel. (Just kidding.)

@DallinHOaksEsq: [Reproduction of this tweet by third parties is prohibited. Content not to be licensed on billboards, t-shirts or plushies.]

@MRussellB: No, I’m actually not Russell M. Nelson. We get that all the time. I’m flattered, but you really don’t want me cutting you open.

@RichardScottGoingNuclear: The Savior loves you and will forgive you your past transgressions. Yes, even that one. That one too. Srsly.

@ElderRDHales: Selfishness suffocates spiritual senses. Also, alliteration always activates angelic awareness. Amen.

@JeffHollandPhD: Church members: Don’t you quit! The blessings are coming. Everyone else: We’re Christians, darn it. We’re Christians.

@DavidTheKidBednar: I’m the youngest of the Q12 so you’d think I’d be 1st on Twitter, but that Elder Ballard just loves his social media…

@QuenCook: Best. Day. Ever. Let there be light! Let there be optimism! Can you tell I used to live in CA?  BTW, LDS women are incredible.

@DToddChristoff: God is the gardener. He’ll prune you into what he wants you to be. It’s fun to be pruned. You’ll love it, we promise.

@NeilNewbieAndersen: Bonjour! Hola! Oi! I’m the newest kid on the apostolic block. Elder Eyring, can I be in your selfie? Can I?

 

** You can find their actual Twitter handles in the LDS Living article. These are just ones I made up. I would not suggest using them.

12 Comments

  1. For everyone who didn’t catch the reference, “now is the time on Sprockets when we dance” is a reference to an SNL character from the early 90s named Dieter (get it, same first name? so funny!).

    You’re probably wondering why someone would make a reference to an SNL character from twenty years ago and expect readers to make the connection.

    Maybe because the joke has been posted on ex-Mormon sites two or three times over the last year or two–most recently a week ago?

    http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1257500

    Classy, Jana. At least we know more about your reading material now.

    • If the complaint was going to be that my humor was so stuck in the 1980s that I couldn’t think of any better jokes than ones that appeared on Saturday Night Live when I was a teenager, that would be a very fair criticism. But as for ripping this off from some anti-Mormon website, I’m innocent. I thought I came up with this lame joke entirely by myself! I have not seen the page you mention.

      • I suppose readers can decide for themselves which version of events is more plausible.

        I can guess pretty well what the apostates would think …

        http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,667329,667329

        • Um, yeah. I’m in my early 30s, have never read the exmormon forums, and easily got the SNL reference. And I think it’s rather funny that you keep posting that exmormon link, giving even more exposure to a group you obviously don’t endorse.

      • Oh, and just to refresh your memory, the first Dieter segment wasn’t until the middle of 1989 (when you were close to 20); most were in the early 90s.

        I mean yeah, maybe you just happened to make the same joke. But two people making the same bad, obscure joke about Uchtdorf within a week? Twenty years after the show? A decade after Uchtdorf was called as an apostle?

        • Jana Riess

          Sigh. I just asked my brother, whom I am visiting, what he thinks of when hearing the name “Dieter.” He said it is a German name.

          “Does it ring any other bells?” I prodded.

          “Sprockets!” he said with glee.

          So either my non-Mormon, not-very-interested-in-religion brother is secretly trolling anti-Mormon websites, or an entire generation of people who enjoyed SNL as pop culture will always have that skit as a touchstone when hearing the name “Dieter.” I’d say it is the latter. It certainly is true for our family.

          Chet, I will be deleting any more silly conspiracy theories on this topic. That censorship will no doubt only add to your web of conspiracy theories, but whatever. Take it somewhere else.

  2. Here they are
    @ThomasSMonson2 @Henry_B_Eyring @D_F_Uchtdorf
    @Boyd_K_Packer @L_Tom_Perry @RussellMNelson1 @Dallin_H_Oaks @M_RBallard @Richard_G_Scott
    @Robert_D_Hales @J_R_Holland @David_A_Bednar @Quentin_L_Cook @DTChristofferso @Neil_L_Andersen

  3. I appreciate humor as much as anyone else, but it hurts a little to see such kind and earnest men treated with flippancy. C.S. Lewis’ quote from Weight of Glory comes to mind:

    “There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal … it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit … This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously – no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption.”

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